Teenage Identity Crisis

The other day some friends and I were discussing the issues of holistic health, alternate therapies, the increasing incidence of stress and the number of books that were being written on this subject. One of us was a non-resident Indian writer specialized in naturopathy. She promptly vetoed every one, saying that Indians do not have much stress as the family support is always there, justifying her stance by pointing out that most of the books on this subject were written by foreigners. She sounded so convinced in her make-believe world that it was almost funny, as every one else had their own kinds of stresses. Since she was a guest, we did not think it wise to break her heart and changed the topic. She is not the only one, there are many who are ignorant or ignore the various stresses in theirs, and especially in their children’s lives.

“Lakhs of schoolchildren in need of psychiatric help,” screams a headline in a newspaper. “An estimated 74 lakhs schoolchildren suffer from psychological problems….”continues the same newspaper.

Though lately people have started accepting being stressed, there is still a common tendency of categorizing the phenomena into the ‘A’ category. Family tensions, job tensions, careers, relationships, no doubt seem to be adult topics but they do have their teenage versions too. The manifestation of these problems are in the form of nervousness, poor academic performance, defiance / aggression, lack of self-esteem and lack of confidence.

My teenage daughters underwent a variety of stresses once they entered teens. First it was appearance, then boyfriends, board exams, career prospects, and so on. There are specific stresses related to specific situations or problems that are sorted out once the situations get over. But then there are certain stresses that are part of the teenage.

Identity crisis is one of them. What do I want from life? What should I be? It is not only about career prospects but a much bigger concern of a teenager about fitting into the adult world. When a teenager leaves the safe world of childhood, his/her personality can develop in any direction and this is the time of identity crisis.

Teenagers always want their independence and the parents are always wavering between treating them as adults and/or children. A typical stress in such a situation is that, as my daughter tells me, “I am scared that Papa will get angry.”  

Sometimes teenagers feel that their parents are imposing the personality traits they do not have or do not want to have, upon them. For instance, you must have noticed that parents, especially professionals like doctors, architects, etc, want their children to follow the same line. Sometimes the reason might be practical, like for instance a doctor parent owning a hospital would most naturally expect his child to become a doctor and run the hospital.

But, the child may not have the aptitude for the same profession, and may want to do something totally different in life, and the parental or family pressure may be such that he/she may succumb. This causes an acute amount of stress and worsens the already existing identity crisis.

Take for instance the case of Sangita. She was the daughter of a doctor couple. A bright student, Sangita grew up believing that her parents’ profession was the only and the best profession in the world. Naturally, she took up Science in school and started preparing for the Medical entrance. That was the time she realized that she could not handle the subjects, but it was too late. She appeared for all the Medical entrance tests and failed in all of them. Her parents were shattered. They visited holy shrines and organized more tuitions for her and made her appear for the entrance tests again. By this time Sangita was absolutely certain that Medicine was not for her and wanted to try her hand at Management, but her parents would hear nothing of it. Sangita failed yet again. Now their relatives stepped into the situation. Her father’s brother finally managed to convince them that it was not at all mandatory for the child to follow her parents’ footsteps. Sangita went for an MBA and joined a multinational bank subsequently and settled down happily in life. The four years of her life wasted in studying the subjects she had no aptitude for would not come back, but fortunately they were only four years, in some cases a lot more time is wasted.

This was a small example of study related stress, which happens in most of the families these days. But what about those teenagers who have managed to get the subjects they want yet they lack the clarity or the direction of their goal?

Parents play a key role in developing their teenager’s self esteem. It is noticed that the parents’ indifference to their child’s success or failure results in a lack of initiative in the child. Such teenagers are not motivated to try anything new or challenging, including making new friends.

On the other hand, some parents can be so over-protective that they stifle their children’s efforts to grow up. Such teenagers develop a fear of college or any educational institution.

If parents set high but achievable standards and express love and support for their teenager’s abilities, then such children would possibly be reasonably confident of attaining success.

Friends also play an important role in a teenager’s life, as they can learn who they are on their own, away from their family. Also, conforming to the customs of a group can make a teen feel like he / she fits in. This sense of belonging is an important need, as teens traverse the difficult years of being no longer children but not yet adults.

The crucial thing remains communication in this delicate age – both with their peers and their parents. After all, we should not forget that we were also adolescents once, going through the same stresses.

So, when does one become emotionally mature? Reaching the age of 20 years, give or take a year, is generally viewed as the end of growing up. One’s twenties are considered the first decade of adulthood. Although young adults are physically and mentally mature, most are still developing emotionally.

In their early adult years, most people are still emotionally dependent on their parents and often turn to them for help in making important decisions. At this age, too many young adults have not yet accepted their parents as individuals and still see them mainly as authority figures.

But, by their late twenties, most people acquire a greater perspective on their parents. They are more confident about their own judgment and less concerned about parental approval or disapproval. They finally begin to see their parents as individuals. They are emotionally mature now.