Rina had bought a lovely dress to wear on her son’s birthday, but when
she tried it on at home, she found several flaws in the material. The next day
she reluctantly returned to the shop with her complaint. The haughty shop
assistant refused to entertain her, maintaining that there were no flaws in the
fabric. “It was spun that way!” Rina left the shop feeling very sheepish, still
carrying what she felt to be a flawed dress.
Anil was looking forward to a quiet romantic weekend with his wife,
while the children were away on a school excursion. His mother rang to suggest
they spend the weekend with her. Unable to say that he and his wife wanted to
be on their own, he started telling her lies…contradicting himself, eventually
ending in a blazing row!
Do you not come away from such situations feeling utterly miserable and
dissatisfied? The majority of us know, at different times in our lives (if not
most of the time) that we could have handled the situation better. Most of us
behave passively or aggressively in a difficult situation. In neither instance
are we communicating clearly. By being passive we are not clear about what we
really think and want. By being aggressive we are often over-reacting and
probably making things even worse. Is there a better way?
Being assertive is what might be called the ‘middle way’. By following
this way, you not only learn to manage your anxiety and fears in difficult situations,
gain self-confidence, but also learn how to say NO! Being assertive is not
about getting things done your own way all the time, but is about expressing
yourself clearly so that others know what you feel and what you want.
Rina should not have let the shop assistant make her feel sheepish, nor
she should have been rude. She should have remembered, that as a customer she
had certain rights. If the assistant was not helpful, she should have asked to
see the manager. Even then, if she had to accept that the dress was not faulty,
she would at least have felt that she had done her best, and also that she was
in control of the situation.
Anil should have gently explained to his mother, that this was the
first weekend over a year that he and his wife could be alone together, and it
was important for them. He should have said that he hoped his mother did not
feel hurt; he really wanted to spend a weekend with her but not ‘that’ weekend.
Most of us fail to be assertive because we do not acknowledge that as
equal human beings, we have certain rights.
·
The right to be treated with respect as an
intelligent, capable and equal human being, by our nearest and dearest, as well
as the third persons (like the shop assistant).
·
The right to change our mind.
·
The right to ask for what we want.
·
The right to express our opinion and values.
·
The right to express our feelings, from love to
anger.
·
The right to make mistakes.
Accepting the
right to state our own needs is especially hard for women, brought up since
infancy to be sweet and kind, and to put others first. Even today, little girls
are rarely encouraged to be independent and adventurous, as their brothers are.
They are brought up to put everybody’s needs before their own, always be
available to soothe the troubled brow, hear the sob-story, cook for five extra
people and so on! It is a psychosocial legacy that the girls inherit from their
mothers, grandmothers….
When we are in
such a compassion trap, we are likely to become so frustrated or tired that we
hurt people more. We may let our resentment build up to an enormous outburst,
apparently quite out of proportion of the situation, or cut ourselves off
emotionally from a partner or a close friend without any explanation.
The only way to
pull out yourself from this trap is by accepting your rights (mentioned
earlier), setting the limits and having the confidence to say NO.
In order to be
assertive, first you must learn to be specific. That is, to say exactly what
you want and what you feel. Too often, especially with people close to us, we
expect them to read our minds. For instance, when we arrive home exhausted, we
slump into a chair and expect a cup of tea from our partner/spouse. The right
thing to do is, to say to our partner, “I am feeling really tired, and would
love to have a cup of tea.” Resentment builds up easily if you expect mind reading
from everyone.
Once you have
learned to be specific, you must learn to ‘stick to the point’ and not be
deflected by the other person refusing or ignoring your request. People often
argue through manipulation. For example, if you tell a plumber clearly that he
has not done the job to your satisfaction, and so, you would want him to re-do
it without extra payment, he may say something completely irrelevant, such as
“My wife is ill,” or “I have to repair the roof of my own house.” You must
learn to repeat your request (not necessarily using the same words) until he
accepts it – just remember, when the other person says something irrelevant,
they are trying to hook you off the subject.
In the shops for
instance, the salesmen/girls are often trained in techniques of fobbing off
customers to avoid paying refunds. So when you go to a shop for a refund on
faulty goods and the salesman says, “We have not had a complaint about that
iron before,” you say, “You may not have, but I am complaining because it is
faulty and I would like a refund please.” Always remember your rights!
Saying NO is
actually a skill, learned through practice. Most of us beat around the bush,
rather than say that one small word. This is linked to our feeling of not
wanting to hurt anyone. We want to be liked. We feel it is rude and selfish,
even aggressive, to say NO. Yet it is actually far kinder to be straight
forward about refusing, than to say YES in so many words and let the other
person down later. So when a friend asks you out, and you are tired but cannot
say NO, it is likely to irritate her/him more when, at the last minute, you
come up with some feeble excuse such as, “I forgot that I had to do some work
this evening.”
There is no need
to make excessive apologies or excuses when you say NO. If you need time before
accepting or refusing, always ask for more information or time to think it
over. Also, when you refuse a request, acknowledge to the other person how you
feel. So when Anil says to his mother that he cannot spend the weekend with
her, he should say, “I feel unhappy saying this, but…”
Expressing
feelings, especially strong emotions like anger, is crucial to being assertive.
Most of us are afraid of strong feelings, especially anger. We are afraid that
if we show this ugly side of ourselves, people will stop liking or loving us.
After all, we all want to be popular, don’t we?
So we suppress our
emotions, turning them inwards and often becoming depressed through this. Or
emotions become transformed into physical ailments such as feeling sick or
having diarrhoea. Women learn to cry when they actually want to rage.
It is important
to acknowledge your own feelings and to express them – either by telling
someone, “I feel very angry about what you have said” (which is very different
from losing your temper or verbal abuse) or, when necessary, through the
release of tears or shouting (preferably alone!)
Expressing your
feelings is one of the most difficult tasks to learn, so do it slowly, practise
at home or with a friend. Do not tackle the most difficult situation until you
feel more confident. Deal with the less problematic things first, like the
difficult shop assistant.
So when you need
to stand up for yourself, work out exactly what you want to say. Rehearse
saying it. If in doubt, write it down. Do not allow the issue to be confused –
stick to the point. Say what you really want and not what you think others want
to hear. Do not be afraid to say NO. Remember, it is your right to stand up for
what you want (do not let anyone tell you otherwise) and it is great when you
get it.
Learning to be
assertive is not just a matter of dealing with shop assistants or tradespeople,
it can truly be a way of improving your mental and emotional health, by
building up your self-confidence and self-esteem. People who have learnt to say
NO, frequently talk about how much more in control they feel of their lives and
of improved relationships at home and at work!
