Friendship

Everyone has friends and best friends. The term ‘best’ friend is more popular among children and the youth. When I see my daughters talking about their best friends, I remember my own childhood. I had a number of friends, but only one best friend. We were inseparable till one day she scored more marks than me and suddenly stopped talking to me. No explanations were offered and I just couldn’t understand how such a thing or for that matter anything could affect a ‘best’ friendship! To cut a long story short, my hurt went so deep as to make me forget the term ‘best friends’ forever. I was only 13 years old then.

Over the years I have realized that friendship is the most misused and the least understood term.

We need friends to help us grow emotionally, and also socially. Friends are like mirrors and help us to see our flaws and understand ourselves better. All these happen where there is a deep understanding and true love for each other with all their faults. It is a very precious bond that is based on unconditional giving and not expecting anything in return.

  

In my experience and observations of life, I have found that such a bond thrives best between the opposite sexes.

 

In the same sex, as the relationship grows, one sees shades of rivalry creeping in, leading to petty jealousies and at times unreasonable expectations. And as the friendship does not remain unconditional, it starts to stagnate. According to me even if such a friendship does not end because of the sheer length of it, it is still dead, as there is no growth any more. The bond weakens, only superficiality remains – courtesy for ‘old times sake’ – sounds familiar, doesn’t it?

I am an optimist so I keep looking at the same sex friends and find that after some time comparisons begin: husband’s income, children’s performance in school, one’s own career, changing physical appearance due to age, accumulation of material things, and so on. Always reminds me of the advertisement: Bhala uski saree meri saree se safed kaise? And then…the interest wanes, the complaints begin, the conversations just seem to revolve around curiosity and a palpable stagnation is felt.

While I was doing my internship as a dietician, I met this doctor and we became friends. I found that I could talk to him about so many things that I couldn’t discuss with my girl friends/ colleagues. The reason being that there was absolutely nothing to compare between the two of us. No scope of any rivalry. The interest in each other continued; as we could act as sounding boards to one another and advise each other very neutrally – almost like a psychiatrist. After a long time I felt I had a ‘best’ friend. Well, we got married after a long courtship.

Marriage brings with it, almost always expectations. As friends we have only one role to play – that of a friend; but after marriage the number of roles increases – wife, daughter-in-law, sister-in-law, aunt, etc. These roles bring with them a list of do’s and don’ts, which somewhat disturb the harmony of friendship. (The topic is out of the realm of this article, so we will leave it for some other time.)

  

To continue, we remained and still are very good friends, but… the word ‘best’ became a little hazy.

As I stepped into the world of media, there was a deluge of new friends in my life – but with the same problems. The women friends would get jealous of my success, while the men friends always encouraged me to forge on. It was not only me, men around me were also in the same situation, calling it ‘office politics’, complaining about back-stabbing by ‘friends’ especially at the time of promotions.

One special friend (best?) worth mentioning here was SP Singh (a renowned Hindi journalist). Our bond was so beautiful and strong that it helped me tremendously to grow personally as well as professionally. Till date I cannot explain the ‘cause’ of our friendship. I can only feel and talk about the ‘effect’ it had on both of us. He was a friend, philosopher and a guide in the true sense. Even if we did not meet for years, the bond remained strong as ever. There were absolutely no expectations on either side, hence no reproaches. When we met after a long time it was as though we had just met the day before! My husband understood this friendship and was a great emotional support when SP passed away.

People have major misconceptions about friendship with the opposite sex, assuming that it always has physical undertones.

I find that just as the physical marriage is between the opposite sexes, so is the successful mental marriage also between the opposite sexes. A true friendship is after all the mating of two brains. Platonic love? According to Plato, Love (for a person), as we know it, is simply the memory of the soul’s previous communion with the same form. It does not imply complete indifference to physical attraction though, but has for its goal the satisfaction of the spirit.

All this, as mentioned earlier, is only my observation of life. It may not hold true for others, but it is certainly worth giving thought to your past experiences and analyze your friendships.