Becoming A Father

A man reacts to his wife’s pregnancy with various feelings. Protectiveness of the wife, increased pride in the marriage, pride about his virility (that is one thing men always worry about to some degree) and anticipatory enjoyment of the child. But there can also be, way underneath, a feeling of being left out (just as small children may feel rejected when they find their mother pregnant), which may be expressed as grumpiness towards wife and wanting to spend more evenings with friends.

These reactions are certainly no help to the wife, who craves for extra support at this unfamiliar (if it is the first pregnancy) stage of her life. But why does a husband react so? Somehow, a woman’s pregnancy and postpartum (after delivery) depression and anxiety are widely recognized, but the postpartum problems her husband may encounter are not.

The husband is apt to feel particularly left out during the hospital period, more so with his first baby. He looks after his wife during her pregnancy. He helps to get her safely to the hospital where there are dozens of people to take care of her. Then he is really alone, sitting in the waiting room worrying about his wife and the baby. When he goes to see them, the hospital certainly does not make him feel the head of the family here, everyone seems to be totally engrossed in the mother and the baby!

Nevertheless, he can remind himself that his feelings are probably not nearly so churned up as his wife’s, especially after coming home. She has been through an intense physiological change. If it is her first baby, she cannot help feeling anxious as well. The baby would make great demands on her strength and spirit, more so in the first few months.

What all this adds up to is that most women need a great deal of support and comfort from their husbands at this time. To be able to give a lot to the baby, they must receive more than usual. Partly it is the need of the father’s participation in the care of the baby and in the housework. Even more is the emotional support, patience, understanding, appreciation and affection. The father’s job may be complicated by the fact that if his wife is tired and upset, she will not have the spirit to be appreciative of his efforts. In fact, she may even be complaining and nagging. But if he realises how much she needs his help and love, it will encourage him to give it anyway.

Wives must welcome and encourage their husbands to cuddle and feed and talk to their baby, because there are some husbands who may not choose to do so. This is not always easy. Rekha, on becoming mother for the first time admits, “I felt I was the only one who could satisfy my son and that anyone else would do it less perfectly. But my husband wanted to be involved and I had to accept that he could only learn if I let him get hands-on experience. I also had to realize it was okay for my husband to do things his own way with our son, even if that meant they spent the whole evening playing with toys when I would have preferred that they go for a stroll in the park.”

The father and the mother nurture their children in similar ways, but they differ significantly in how they speak to them and play games. Their differences complement each another, so it is important that both parents be involved.

Men, especially the husbands of the working women, have been participating increasingly in all the aspects of home and childcare. There is no reason why father should not be able to do their jobs as well as mother and contribute equally in the child’s development. But the benefit is lost if this work is done as a favour, since that implies that it is really not their work but just an unusual degree of generosity on their part. The work should be done in the spirit of an equal partnership.

Some fathers who are not used to the idea of participating in baby care say, “I will wait until the child is a little older.” But valuable time is lost that way. While the father is waiting, the mother becomes an expert. Then it is harder for the father to achieve an equal status as parent later. If your husband is reluctant to play with the baby, it may be because he does not know how, and does not want to admit it. Do not just hand him the bay – hand him the baby and the baby’s favourite toy.

Neera’s husband Vijay spoke only half in jest the time he said, “I hear your favourite person calling!” New fathers have been known to feel jealous and excluded by the intense emotional bond new mothers share with their babies. In such a case, you must assure your husband, that yes, you have a unique bond of love with your baby, but it is totally different from the love you feel for him. Children grow up. Husbands and wives must recognize that they still have and would continue having the need for each other.

Take out time for each other. Even if it is just two hours. Have dinner alone once a week. Establish the fact that the most important couple in the family is the mother and the father.

We all need time for ourselves when we can relax, read, exercise or pursue some other favourite hobby. Those private moments often vanish as you and your husband work overtime to adjust yourselves to your baby’s needs.

When Deepak complained that he missed his weekly office Carrom game, his wife Sheila recognized his need to unwind with his friends. At the same time, she dreaded spending the additional hours by herself after she had been alone with the baby all day. She and Deepak worked out a compromise that gave both of them some respite from parenting. Now Deepak goes for his weekly Carrom game and Sheila calls over one of her friends to spend the evening with her and the baby. In exchange Sheila takes one evening off from babysitting and goes off for shopping, meeting friends while Deepak babysits.

Both the parents need to have some room in their schedule when they do not have to do anything for anyone.

Then there are fathers who feel they are pitching in a lot. Whereas the mothers feel they are doing nothing. In such cases it is wiser to be strategic rather than self-righteous. You must let your husband know that you appreciate his contribution a great deal but you need him to do more.

I think that a father, even if the mother is staying at home, will do a whole lot of good to his baby, his wife and himself, if he takes on part of the management of the baby and also participate in the housework, when he gets home from work and on weekends. As the mother’s patience is generally worn thin by the end of the day. (The father’s would too if he alone had been looking after the baby all day!)

When a father does his share as a matter of course when at home, it does much more than simply lighten his wife’s workload and give her companionship in the work that she had to do alone all day. It shows that he believes this work is crucial for the welfare of the family, that it calls for judgment and skill, and that it is his responsibility as much as it is hers when he is at home. This is what sons and daughters need to see in action if they are to grow up without sexist attitudes.