Being Highly Sensitive

Are you one of those who feel disconnected from the society in general? Do you have difficulty fitting into any group? You are uncomfortable around bright light, loud noise and bright flashy colours. No one understands your need to be alone. You seem to know things without being told… And all your life you thought something was wrong with you!

The good news is that you are not dysfunctional. You are a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) - there is actually a term for it! And you are not alone; you share this attribute with at least 20% of the people who are referred to as shy or touchy or introvert etc.

A highly sensitive infant is more peaceful when alone. Certain people terrify them, toy mobiles upset them, rocking irritates them and weather/environment changes make them restless. They may be colicky and their digestive systems may not tolerate all foods. But these babies are very creative and alert. They may walk and speak early.

HSPs respond strongly to their environment and become exhausted from taking in and processing the external stimuli. They are born with a sensitive nervous system and sensory organs that may see, smell, taste, hear or feel more keenly than others. As adults, they may also think, reflect or notice more than others. The processing is largely unconscious. HSPs grow up thinking that they are flawed, especially when crowds of people, loud music or simply a busy day stresses them out. At such times, they need quiet time alone to recover.

HSPs are not known for being impulsive or reckless. In fact, they may be over cautious at times. They foresee the consequences of words and actions. Any kind of change is difficult for them to accept. They feel happy in their hearts on a joyous occasion but are often unable to express their feelings. Since they try to hide themselves, they are seen as inhibited or unsocial. HSPs do not like social gatherings and prefer having intense one-to-one conversations. Developing boundaries for safety and comfort is important to them. They would actually prefer a walk in the park to watching a cricket/tennis match!

An HSP's tendency towards withdrawal may present unique difficulties in their relationships. They turn inwards for protection against what they are experiencing. A lack of self-esteem can turn them into people-pleasers and they can end up feeling lonely in the relationship. Their ability to pick up subtle cues and ambivalence in the unconscious processes of the other person, can affect their own communication in the relationship. Many times, even though they understand what is going on, they are unable to express it and end up blurting out something negative. At these times, they are acting out their own insecurities and past experiences of being humiliated for their sensitivity. The way out of this dilemma for them is to become more conscious of their own habitual reactions and to take more time out to be alone.

HSPs appreciate friendship and like to talk about their feelings, but often believe no one else is interested. An open and sharing relationship – preferably with another HSP – can be of great benefit in providing understanding of what does and doesn’t work. Entertainment and excitement are not what holds a sensitive relationship together – HSPs are more interested in deepening their self-awareness and never get bored of listening to their partner’s dreams.

Not surprisingly, HSPs are also very sensitive to food. Stimulants like alcohol and caffeine are toxic for their sensitive systems. But then, there are no special diets for them either, as their levels of sensitivity are anything but static! The HSPs have to understand the fascinating refining process continually being experienced by their own body/mind/soul and observe for themselves what suits them best.

Once the HSPs stop trying to be like the strong and tough extroverts, they often develop a keen interest in and gratitude for their own consciousness, which benevolently takes them into unexplored realms. These complex inner realms, largely avoided or ignored by others, become the individual paths for these people to wholeness and happiness.

Existence/Nature/God has a way out for everyone…

The Prodigal Son – Buddha Vs. Jesus

According to the Buddhist Lotus Sutra, one of Buddha’s disciples Mahakashyap related this parable in one of his discourses.  

Once upon a time, there was a rich merchant who had a teenage son. The son fell in bad company and one day took his father’s money and ran away from home. After he had spent all the money, his friends left him, and he had to wander from town to town, doing odd jobs to earn a living, and finally when he could not get any work, he had to beg for a living. All this while, the merchant had been looking for his son but had failed to find him. Many years passed, and as the son was getting poorer, his father was getting richer and richer.

One day, the son came wandering back into his hometown. When he saw his father’s new big house, and horse-drawn carriages, he hesitated to approach him and turned away from the gate. But as he was turning to go away, the father who had just stepped out on the balcony saw and recognised his son. He immediately ordered his guards to get him. As the guards approached the son, he got scared and tried to run away. But the guards were stronger and caught him, tied him up and brought him to see the merchant.

The merchant and his son looked at each other without saying a word. The father knew that his son had a very strong will and it would not work if he tried to lure him back with money alone. So, without saying a word, he ordered the boy’s release and let him go. The son was glad that he was free, but continued to beg for a living, as he had no work.

The next day, the father sent one of his senior employees to offer the job of an assistant, to the boy (without disclosing his relationship) in one of his shops. Having wandered from town to town looking for work, the son happily accepted the job immediately.

As the son kept on working, the father did not say anything about their relationship to any other employees, customers, suppliers, friends or relatives. However, the son proved himself to be a good worker and soon earned the respect of his fellow employees. As time went by, he was promoted to a senior position. All this while the son did not know that his father was his actual employer.

One day, the merchant fell sick, and feeling that his end was near, he gathered all his employees, friends and relatives to announce his will. He finally disclosed the father-and-son relationship to everyone. The son, by this time, had proven his ability to inherit his father’s business.

Mahakashyap concluded that the father represented Lord Buddha and the son represented the followers.

Although a similar story appears in the Bible (Luke: Chapter 15, 12-32), there is a very significant philosophical difference. There the father forgave the son immediately and gave him all his heritage as soon as the son accepted his sin and asked for forgiveness, implying that success is a grace from God. Here in the Lotus Sutra, after the reunion, the son proved his ability to take over his father’s heritage, implying that success is largely a result of your own effort.

On Workaholism

If work consumes you and destroys your personal life, there could be more going on – you could be a workaholic!

In Japan, it’s called karoshi or ‘death by overwork’ and is estimated to cause 1,000 deaths per year. In the Netherlands, it’s resulted in a new condition known as ‘leisure illness,’ estimated to affect 3% of its entire population. In the U.S. workaholism is known as ‘respectable addiction.’

Workaholism is an addiction, an obsessive-compulsive disorder. It is certainly not the same as working hard or putting in long hours. The difference is – a person who works hard would think about playing golf over the weekend, but a workaholic would think about work while playing golf over the weekend!

A workaholic’s obsession with work is all-consuming, which prevents them from maintaining healthy relationships, outside interests, or even take measures to protect their health. They neglect their health to the point of devastating results and ignore their friends and family. They avoid going on vacation so they don’t miss work. And even if they do go on vacation, they aren’t fully present because their mind is still on work. Often, they only realise their problem when something catastrophic happens to them -- their health completely fails or their marriage or relationships are destroyed.

Workaholics actually have a physiological need for the adrenaline rush and they tend to seek out jobs that allow them to exercise their addiction. The workplace itself does not create the addiction any more than the supermarket creates food addiction, but it does enable it. The addiction, like most things, is a state of mind.

Workaholics tend to seek high-stress jobs to keep their adrenaline rush going. And it has nothing to do with working in office or any other workplace. Seemingly normal looking people, housewives, mothers, grandmothers…could be workaholics too! Homebound workaholics could be parenting to the point where there is nothing else to balance their lives, no hobbies or fun, they would spend all their time as the PTA member/president, or running a social/community club, etc. Look around and you will find these people in your local RWA or housing society.

Research shows that the seeds of workaholism are often planted in childhood. Many workaholics are children of alcoholics or come from some other type of dysfunctional family, and work addiction is an attempt to control a situation that is not controllable. Others tend to be products of families where parents tend to be perfectionists and expect unreasonable success from their kids. These children grow up thinking that nothing is ever good enough. Workaholism could also be a by-product of low self-esteem.

Unfortunately, perfection is unattainable. Anyone who carries a mandate for perfection is susceptible to workaholism, because it creates a situation where the person never gets to cross the finish line, because it keeps moving farther out!

What can be done? It really comes down to recognising the need of balance in your life. Working hard is great, but you need to be able to turn if off and savour the other parts/aspects of your life -- friends, family, hobbies and fun...

Becoming A Father

A man reacts to his wife’s pregnancy with various feelings. Protectiveness of the wife, increased pride in the marriage, pride about his virility (that is one thing men always worry about to some degree) and anticipatory enjoyment of the child. But there can also be, way underneath, a feeling of being left out (just as small children may feel rejected when they find their mother pregnant), which may be expressed as grumpiness towards wife and wanting to spend more evenings with friends.

These reactions are certainly no help to the wife, who craves for extra support at this unfamiliar (if it is the first pregnancy) stage of her life. But why does a husband react so? Somehow, a woman’s pregnancy and postpartum (after delivery) depression and anxiety are widely recognized, but the postpartum problems her husband may encounter are not.

The husband is apt to feel particularly left out during the hospital period, more so with his first baby. He looks after his wife during her pregnancy. He helps to get her safely to the hospital where there are dozens of people to take care of her. Then he is really alone, sitting in the waiting room worrying about his wife and the baby. When he goes to see them, the hospital certainly does not make him feel the head of the family here, everyone seems to be totally engrossed in the mother and the baby!

Nevertheless, he can remind himself that his feelings are probably not nearly so churned up as his wife’s, especially after coming home. She has been through an intense physiological change. If it is her first baby, she cannot help feeling anxious as well. The baby would make great demands on her strength and spirit, more so in the first few months.

What all this adds up to is that most women need a great deal of support and comfort from their husbands at this time. To be able to give a lot to the baby, they must receive more than usual. Partly it is the need of the father’s participation in the care of the baby and in the housework. Even more is the emotional support, patience, understanding, appreciation and affection. The father’s job may be complicated by the fact that if his wife is tired and upset, she will not have the spirit to be appreciative of his efforts. In fact, she may even be complaining and nagging. But if he realises how much she needs his help and love, it will encourage him to give it anyway.

Wives must welcome and encourage their husbands to cuddle and feed and talk to their baby, because there are some husbands who may not choose to do so. This is not always easy. Rekha, on becoming mother for the first time admits, “I felt I was the only one who could satisfy my son and that anyone else would do it less perfectly. But my husband wanted to be involved and I had to accept that he could only learn if I let him get hands-on experience. I also had to realize it was okay for my husband to do things his own way with our son, even if that meant they spent the whole evening playing with toys when I would have preferred that they go for a stroll in the park.”

The father and the mother nurture their children in similar ways, but they differ significantly in how they speak to them and play games. Their differences complement each another, so it is important that both parents be involved.

Men, especially the husbands of the working women, have been participating increasingly in all the aspects of home and childcare. There is no reason why father should not be able to do their jobs as well as mother and contribute equally in the child’s development. But the benefit is lost if this work is done as a favour, since that implies that it is really not their work but just an unusual degree of generosity on their part. The work should be done in the spirit of an equal partnership.

Some fathers who are not used to the idea of participating in baby care say, “I will wait until the child is a little older.” But valuable time is lost that way. While the father is waiting, the mother becomes an expert. Then it is harder for the father to achieve an equal status as parent later. If your husband is reluctant to play with the baby, it may be because he does not know how, and does not want to admit it. Do not just hand him the bay – hand him the baby and the baby’s favourite toy.

Neera’s husband Vijay spoke only half in jest the time he said, “I hear your favourite person calling!” New fathers have been known to feel jealous and excluded by the intense emotional bond new mothers share with their babies. In such a case, you must assure your husband, that yes, you have a unique bond of love with your baby, but it is totally different from the love you feel for him. Children grow up. Husbands and wives must recognize that they still have and would continue having the need for each other.

Take out time for each other. Even if it is just two hours. Have dinner alone once a week. Establish the fact that the most important couple in the family is the mother and the father.

We all need time for ourselves when we can relax, read, exercise or pursue some other favourite hobby. Those private moments often vanish as you and your husband work overtime to adjust yourselves to your baby’s needs.

When Deepak complained that he missed his weekly office Carrom game, his wife Sheila recognized his need to unwind with his friends. At the same time, she dreaded spending the additional hours by herself after she had been alone with the baby all day. She and Deepak worked out a compromise that gave both of them some respite from parenting. Now Deepak goes for his weekly Carrom game and Sheila calls over one of her friends to spend the evening with her and the baby. In exchange Sheila takes one evening off from babysitting and goes off for shopping, meeting friends while Deepak babysits.

Both the parents need to have some room in their schedule when they do not have to do anything for anyone.

Then there are fathers who feel they are pitching in a lot. Whereas the mothers feel they are doing nothing. In such cases it is wiser to be strategic rather than self-righteous. You must let your husband know that you appreciate his contribution a great deal but you need him to do more.

I think that a father, even if the mother is staying at home, will do a whole lot of good to his baby, his wife and himself, if he takes on part of the management of the baby and also participate in the housework, when he gets home from work and on weekends. As the mother’s patience is generally worn thin by the end of the day. (The father’s would too if he alone had been looking after the baby all day!)

When a father does his share as a matter of course when at home, it does much more than simply lighten his wife’s workload and give her companionship in the work that she had to do alone all day. It shows that he believes this work is crucial for the welfare of the family, that it calls for judgment and skill, and that it is his responsibility as much as it is hers when he is at home. This is what sons and daughters need to see in action if they are to grow up without sexist attitudes.

Teenage Identity Crisis

The other day some friends and I were discussing the issues of holistic health, alternate therapies, the increasing incidence of stress and the number of books that were being written on this subject. One of us was a non-resident Indian writer specialized in naturopathy. She promptly vetoed every one, saying that Indians do not have much stress as the family support is always there, justifying her stance by pointing out that most of the books on this subject were written by foreigners. She sounded so convinced in her make-believe world that it was almost funny, as every one else had their own kinds of stresses. Since she was a guest, we did not think it wise to break her heart and changed the topic. She is not the only one, there are many who are ignorant or ignore the various stresses in theirs, and especially in their children’s lives.

“Lakhs of schoolchildren in need of psychiatric help,” screams a headline in a newspaper. “An estimated 74 lakhs schoolchildren suffer from psychological problems….”continues the same newspaper.

Though lately people have started accepting being stressed, there is still a common tendency of categorizing the phenomena into the ‘A’ category. Family tensions, job tensions, careers, relationships, no doubt seem to be adult topics but they do have their teenage versions too. The manifestation of these problems are in the form of nervousness, poor academic performance, defiance / aggression, lack of self-esteem and lack of confidence.

My teenage daughters underwent a variety of stresses once they entered teens. First it was appearance, then boyfriends, board exams, career prospects, and so on. There are specific stresses related to specific situations or problems that are sorted out once the situations get over. But then there are certain stresses that are part of the teenage.

Identity crisis is one of them. What do I want from life? What should I be? It is not only about career prospects but a much bigger concern of a teenager about fitting into the adult world. When a teenager leaves the safe world of childhood, his/her personality can develop in any direction and this is the time of identity crisis.

Teenagers always want their independence and the parents are always wavering between treating them as adults and/or children. A typical stress in such a situation is that, as my daughter tells me, “I am scared that Papa will get angry.”  

Sometimes teenagers feel that their parents are imposing the personality traits they do not have or do not want to have, upon them. For instance, you must have noticed that parents, especially professionals like doctors, architects, etc, want their children to follow the same line. Sometimes the reason might be practical, like for instance a doctor parent owning a hospital would most naturally expect his child to become a doctor and run the hospital.

But, the child may not have the aptitude for the same profession, and may want to do something totally different in life, and the parental or family pressure may be such that he/she may succumb. This causes an acute amount of stress and worsens the already existing identity crisis.

Take for instance the case of Sangita. She was the daughter of a doctor couple. A bright student, Sangita grew up believing that her parents’ profession was the only and the best profession in the world. Naturally, she took up Science in school and started preparing for the Medical entrance. That was the time she realized that she could not handle the subjects, but it was too late. She appeared for all the Medical entrance tests and failed in all of them. Her parents were shattered. They visited holy shrines and organized more tuitions for her and made her appear for the entrance tests again. By this time Sangita was absolutely certain that Medicine was not for her and wanted to try her hand at Management, but her parents would hear nothing of it. Sangita failed yet again. Now their relatives stepped into the situation. Her father’s brother finally managed to convince them that it was not at all mandatory for the child to follow her parents’ footsteps. Sangita went for an MBA and joined a multinational bank subsequently and settled down happily in life. The four years of her life wasted in studying the subjects she had no aptitude for would not come back, but fortunately they were only four years, in some cases a lot more time is wasted.

This was a small example of study related stress, which happens in most of the families these days. But what about those teenagers who have managed to get the subjects they want yet they lack the clarity or the direction of their goal?

Parents play a key role in developing their teenager’s self esteem. It is noticed that the parents’ indifference to their child’s success or failure results in a lack of initiative in the child. Such teenagers are not motivated to try anything new or challenging, including making new friends.

On the other hand, some parents can be so over-protective that they stifle their children’s efforts to grow up. Such teenagers develop a fear of college or any educational institution.

If parents set high but achievable standards and express love and support for their teenager’s abilities, then such children would possibly be reasonably confident of attaining success.

Friends also play an important role in a teenager’s life, as they can learn who they are on their own, away from their family. Also, conforming to the customs of a group can make a teen feel like he / she fits in. This sense of belonging is an important need, as teens traverse the difficult years of being no longer children but not yet adults.

The crucial thing remains communication in this delicate age – both with their peers and their parents. After all, we should not forget that we were also adolescents once, going through the same stresses.

So, when does one become emotionally mature? Reaching the age of 20 years, give or take a year, is generally viewed as the end of growing up. One’s twenties are considered the first decade of adulthood. Although young adults are physically and mentally mature, most are still developing emotionally.

In their early adult years, most people are still emotionally dependent on their parents and often turn to them for help in making important decisions. At this age, too many young adults have not yet accepted their parents as individuals and still see them mainly as authority figures.

But, by their late twenties, most people acquire a greater perspective on their parents. They are more confident about their own judgment and less concerned about parental approval or disapproval. They finally begin to see their parents as individuals. They are emotionally mature now.

Friendship

Everyone has friends and best friends. The term ‘best’ friend is more popular among children and the youth. When I see my daughters talking about their best friends, I remember my own childhood. I had a number of friends, but only one best friend. We were inseparable till one day she scored more marks than me and suddenly stopped talking to me. No explanations were offered and I just couldn’t understand how such a thing or for that matter anything could affect a ‘best’ friendship! To cut a long story short, my hurt went so deep as to make me forget the term ‘best friends’ forever. I was only 13 years old then.

Over the years I have realized that friendship is the most misused and the least understood term.

We need friends to help us grow emotionally, and also socially. Friends are like mirrors and help us to see our flaws and understand ourselves better. All these happen where there is a deep understanding and true love for each other with all their faults. It is a very precious bond that is based on unconditional giving and not expecting anything in return.

  

In my experience and observations of life, I have found that such a bond thrives best between the opposite sexes.

 

In the same sex, as the relationship grows, one sees shades of rivalry creeping in, leading to petty jealousies and at times unreasonable expectations. And as the friendship does not remain unconditional, it starts to stagnate. According to me even if such a friendship does not end because of the sheer length of it, it is still dead, as there is no growth any more. The bond weakens, only superficiality remains – courtesy for ‘old times sake’ – sounds familiar, doesn’t it?

I am an optimist so I keep looking at the same sex friends and find that after some time comparisons begin: husband’s income, children’s performance in school, one’s own career, changing physical appearance due to age, accumulation of material things, and so on. Always reminds me of the advertisement: Bhala uski saree meri saree se safed kaise? And then…the interest wanes, the complaints begin, the conversations just seem to revolve around curiosity and a palpable stagnation is felt.

While I was doing my internship as a dietician, I met this doctor and we became friends. I found that I could talk to him about so many things that I couldn’t discuss with my girl friends/ colleagues. The reason being that there was absolutely nothing to compare between the two of us. No scope of any rivalry. The interest in each other continued; as we could act as sounding boards to one another and advise each other very neutrally – almost like a psychiatrist. After a long time I felt I had a ‘best’ friend. Well, we got married after a long courtship.

Marriage brings with it, almost always expectations. As friends we have only one role to play – that of a friend; but after marriage the number of roles increases – wife, daughter-in-law, sister-in-law, aunt, etc. These roles bring with them a list of do’s and don’ts, which somewhat disturb the harmony of friendship. (The topic is out of the realm of this article, so we will leave it for some other time.)

  

To continue, we remained and still are very good friends, but… the word ‘best’ became a little hazy.

As I stepped into the world of media, there was a deluge of new friends in my life – but with the same problems. The women friends would get jealous of my success, while the men friends always encouraged me to forge on. It was not only me, men around me were also in the same situation, calling it ‘office politics’, complaining about back-stabbing by ‘friends’ especially at the time of promotions.

One special friend (best?) worth mentioning here was SP Singh (a renowned Hindi journalist). Our bond was so beautiful and strong that it helped me tremendously to grow personally as well as professionally. Till date I cannot explain the ‘cause’ of our friendship. I can only feel and talk about the ‘effect’ it had on both of us. He was a friend, philosopher and a guide in the true sense. Even if we did not meet for years, the bond remained strong as ever. There were absolutely no expectations on either side, hence no reproaches. When we met after a long time it was as though we had just met the day before! My husband understood this friendship and was a great emotional support when SP passed away.

People have major misconceptions about friendship with the opposite sex, assuming that it always has physical undertones.

I find that just as the physical marriage is between the opposite sexes, so is the successful mental marriage also between the opposite sexes. A true friendship is after all the mating of two brains. Platonic love? According to Plato, Love (for a person), as we know it, is simply the memory of the soul’s previous communion with the same form. It does not imply complete indifference to physical attraction though, but has for its goal the satisfaction of the spirit.

All this, as mentioned earlier, is only my observation of life. It may not hold true for others, but it is certainly worth giving thought to your past experiences and analyze your friendships.

  

Mr Lazy

Mr. Lazy went to see a renounced astrologer to see what lay ahead in his life. After examining his horoscope, the astrologer told him, “Congratulations, you will become a millionaire at 40 years old and will live to a long life of 95 years.” Mr. Lazy was so pleased that he returned home dancing merrily. ‘I will become a millionaire at 40 years old,’ he thought, ‘so, I don't have to work!’ From then on, even though he was poor, he just dreamed of being rich and did not bother finding work. Finally, he became so poor that he died of hunger at the age of 39.

After his death, he went to see Yama (Lord of Death), and filed a complaint against the astrologer. Yama looked at his records and said, “This is very strange, according to my calculations, you do not have to die at 39 years. In fact, you really should get rich at 40 and thereafter live upto 95 years!” Yama then ordered his officers to investigate the case.

Several days later, the officers came back with the following report:

The Heavenly Emperor had decided to give Mr. Lazy one million gold coins, so he asked the God of Wisdom to carry out the task. The God of Wisdom went down to earth and looked for Mr. Lazy in all the graduation lists of all the schools, colleges and universities, in the hope that he could arrange to pay him the money in the form of a big salary as a very senior civil servant. But, Mr. Lazy was not in any of the graduation lists, nor as a candidate for the civil service examinations. The God of Wisdom thought, ‘Mr. Lazy is nowhere to be seen in the civil service examinations; maybe he is in the military services. Let me asked the God of War to help him out.’

The God of War took the money and started looking for Mr. Lazy in all the Military Services, including the Army and the Police. He could not locate Mr. Lazy anywhere in the ranks and files either. Unable to help Mr. Lazy to get a big military victory and a big award, he asked the God of Wealth for assistance.

The God of Wealth, responsible for commercial prosperity, went down to the business world to look for Mr. Lazy. He went through all the trading places but, again, Mr. Lazy was nowhere to be seen. Unable to give Mr. Lazy the money in the form of a big profit, he turned it over to the God of Land for help.

Finally, the God of Land located Mr. Lazy in his home and he devised a scheme to hand the money over. He left the money in the backyard, and then tried to get Mr. Lazy to do some gardening and therefore find the money. But, Mr. Lazy was too lazy even to clean up his own backyard, and so the money remained there untouched.

Upon reading the report, Yama told Mr. Lazy, “Sorry, the Heavenly Emperor really did want to give you a million gold coins during your lifetime. But you did not make any effort to get it. Case dismissed!”

Job vs Family: The Eternal Confusion

Now that we can choose whether to have a job and a family, to be a part time or full time mother, you would think our lives would be easier. So why does whatever we choose seem to be wrong?

Take me for instance, when my older daughter started going to school, I started working. It was convenient as my husband was abroad and I was staying with my parents. But lots of people did not think so. How could I leave my child with my mother and go for work? Where was the need for me to work anyway? My husband earned enough! Nobody tried to understand that my needs were not financial but emotional. I needed to feel that I have a choice. I needed to know that I was good at other things too, besides being a wife and a mother.

I did very well in my job, but a few years later when I had my second baby, I quit working. My situation was different now. My husband was back, and being a nuclear family, I had no help at home for the baby. I could not somehow think the job, however important it might have been, was in any way more important than looking after my baby. The very same people, who criticized me last time, criticized me again. This time it was, ‘How could you leave such a good job? After all you could employ a maid for the baby! Lots of women do so…’

Maybe women have always been confused. I think even the cave-women felt that animal trapping was a lot more fun than tidying up the cave and storing the food. At the same time I cannot help feeling that Mrs. Cave-woman at least knew where she was meant to be, even if she did not like it. We do not seem to have that kind of comfort.

Whatever the woman of today does, seems to be wrong. Every newspaper, every television programme and nearly everybody with whom she comes into contact, is eager to tell her that she should be doing something different from what she actually does. That she has a right to work, that she has no right to work; that home and family are boring, that they are fascinating; that her children should be with her, that they should not be with her, that they should be with their granny, with a nanny, in a crèche; that she is contributing a lot, that she is not contributing at all, and so on… which does little for her self-confidence or peace of mind.

Women have always been told not just what to do, but also what to think. And they have been told this mostly by women. I do not know why we cannot leave one another alone, respect each other’s feelings, and I do think it a particularly female characteristic that we cannot. I do not think men go around asking each other why their wives have not had another baby yet!

We are not an over-confident lot. Our propensity to guilt makes us hugely sensitive. And it is made much worse by the simple fact of being at home, where your sense of identity and self-confidence are painfully vulnerable. If somebody in your office tells you that they really think you ought to be programming computers instead of editing textbooks, you may feel upset. But if you have made a fair job out of editing books, been paid for doing it, and even been promoted for it a couple of times, you can shinny off the suggestion or even discuss the absurdity of it with your fellow workers. But sitting in the crisis situation of your kitchen on a bad day, the suggestion that you might be wasting your talent hits hard.

However determined you may be that full-time family care is the right occupation for you, you will still be asked constantly, how you can stand it, and when you are going to stop doing it. ‘What on earth do you manage to do all day? Why don’t you get yourself a job? You must be terribly bored’, are the routine questions.

The point is that everyone knows being a full-time mother is the most important job of all; it is also terribly hard and grindingly repetitive. What women feel very strongly is that if they do not work, they do not have any status. That they do not count in the society at all. People are not prepared to introduce you as ‘Sunita’, who is very busy, looking after two children. You do not have a label. Labels are extremely important to women. A label that says just wife and mother is hardly worth the string to tie it on, not because being a wife and a mother is uninteresting in itself, but because the wearer is made to feel it is uninteresting.

What most women would like, in my opinion, specially when their children are young, is the freedom to choose, to be able to get childcare if necessary and, more importantly, to be able to get a part-time employment if needed or desired, without mortgaging soul and conscience. A full-time job involves too much guilt and worries about the children (more so if they are under five) and about the job as well (fear that you have not done it properly because you have had to rush home).

Many husbands still feel very ambivalent about their wives working. They tolerate it rather than encourage it, however welcome the money, and would rather the work went away and the wives came home. “His idea is that if it makes me happy to work, that is fine, as long as I am not too tired to fuss around him and run the house properly as well,” says Jaya, speaking for many. “If I start moaning about the pressures, he says, ‘why don’t you leave? We can mange without the extra money.’” But then there is another side to it. “Men are having a difficult time at the moment,” said Renu, an ultra loyal wife. “They are being usurped by women at work, they do not like it, and then they get home and get grumbled at for not doing their bit. And they do not even have the choice we do.”

This indicates that each sex has its problems, and there is a lot more to be gained from recognizing the fact and helping each other out, rather than standing in the middle ground and complaining about each other and our own selves. If we are able to this, there will be no cause left for any kind of confusion.

Creativity: Its All In The Mind

Creativity is freewheeling, imaginative thinking that leads to fresh insights and revolutionary ideas and even comes up with useful products. It puts old ideas of familiar things together in a different way. A management consultant would define creativity as the ability to generate new options.

What flows from our imagination does not have to be aesthetically pleasing or glamorous - indeed, one can be creatively involved with an activity most people find dull. A creative tax consultant would come up with new ways to approach the tax returns, keeping well within the law and saving his client’s money.

Unlike artistic talent, creativity is a quality anyone can develop. Whenever we let our thoughts wander and muse, ‘What if…?’ we push our mind to travel beyond the accepted and familiar. Such daydreaming is the source of much of the creativity in our lives. When we come up with a better or easier way to do our job, we are being creative.

If our ancestors had not asked, ‘What if…?’ they would not have turned stones into tools and cultivated food crops from wild plants. No growth would have occurred if everybody had done things the way they had been done before. Creative developers led us to the industrial revolution, the computer age, the exploration of space…

Most of us have probably wondered whether or not we can be creative, and many of us may not be sure how to develop and apply whatever imaginative abilities we possess. We must remind ourselves here that the creative person is made, not born.

The most important and probably the only difficult step in becoming creative is to let our mind wander and operate in illogical ways. Of course, all of us have been taught to do just the opposite – to think logically, to concentrate, to keep our mind from drifting away from the subject and to avoid thinking or doing things that don’t make sense.

In the case of advertisements, the ones that you remember would obviously mean that they are successful with the audience, and you will notice that they are bound to be the ones that do not tell you anything logical about the product advertised. For instance, chocolate advertisements do not discuss the taste of the chocolate! It goes to show that when you think typically, you stay on a narrow track, but when you let yourself go wild, you come up with great ideas.

The business world has recognised the value of associate thinking in its adoption of a technique called brainstorming. A group of workers who are familiar with the problem get together and toss off whatever ideas that pop into their heads, no matter how wild or irrational. Absolutely no critical comments or judgments are allowed until the brainstorming session is over.    

But then brainstorming does not necessarily require a group; you can do it on your own by simply listing the ideas that pop into your head, without stopping to think.

You might try another very productive technique. Grapple with the problem for a while and then turn away from it completely and start doing something relaxing, like working in the garden, taking a bath, watching a movie. Almost invariably, the solution would pop up from the subconscious mind during the relaxed period. Believe me it really works!

Another good way to loosen the creative spirit in ourselves is to visualize. Not to think in words, but to think in pictures. Use metaphors comparing one object or event to another and noting the unexpected similarities in dissimilar things. If the thoughts are not visual, they could be sensual – rousing to the ear or to the sense of touch or taste.

Developing aesthetic sense is also required to increase creativity. A creative person notices the leaves of the tree and stars in the sky. One must learn to react to colour, form and texture. One must feel more intensely, trust the heart not the head.

However, none of the techniques would work unless there is a strong base of knowledge of the area in which you’d like to create, be it business, designing or writing.

Creativity doesn’t blossom overnight. Most people spend many years learning the subject and then make their innovations. They are interested in many areas and have a rich fund of general knowledge. They do not care much for the standard answers and tend to follow their own instincts. They are persistent, pursuing a problem from different angles until they solve it.

So creativity requires flexible thinking that most people, although they may not know it, possess to some degree. Creativity can be cultivated, just decide what you want to do, what your project or your problem is. Be positive in your attitude. Learn all you can about your subject, more than you think you’ll need. Think, relax, and review your ideas. Make changes and additions, variations until you come up with your best. Put your ideas to test. There you are! You have found the solution – that is creativity.

Feeling Good

“It is good to be alive”, said someone. Yes it is. But is it enough? Being alive, that is. One has to work towards sustaining this good feeling throughout one’s life.

“Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be,” said Abraham Lincoln. It is not what happens to us in life that determines our happiness so much as the way we react to what has happened to us. Feeling good is pretty much in our control. To feel good, we need to concentrate on happy reactions. It can be hard work sometimes, quite like maintaining a nice home – you’ve got to hang on to your treasures and throw out the garbage.

Most people remember a compliment for a few minutes, but an insult for years. Who suffers? The person who insulted us happily breezes through life, while we lose sleep over the insult. Inability to forgive, a tendency to blame others and feelings of guilt are a greater cause of sickness than any infection, because a sour mind creates a sour body.

  

We can learn so much from the children. The most beautiful thing about them is that they absorb themselves totally in the present moment. They do not waste time thinking about the past or the future and know more about having a good time than us. As we mature, we learn to think and worry about past problems and future concerns. Children are eternally fascinated. A rock or a beetle is a source of wonder and excitement to them. The adults may not know much about these things either, but they do not even try to see the magic around them.

  

In his best selling book, Think and Grow Rich, Napoleon Hill wrote:‘‘… our brains become magnetized with the dominating thoughts which we hold in our minds, and by means with which no man is familiar, these magnets attract to us the forces, the people, the circumstances of life which harmonize with the nature of our dominating thoughts.”

   

As the things that we love most and fear most tend to occupy our thoughts much of the time, so we tend to attract those very things. Focus must be on what we want and not on what we fear. Saying that, “If you study hard enough, you may come in the top five of your class,” is immensely better than saying, “if you don’t study hard enough, you might just fail.”

      

There is an inner core in all of us, which is simply beautiful. However, we rarely focus on our inner strengths. If we did, we would not treat ourselves badly or allow others to treat us so. Have you ever noticed that when you are feeling good about yourself, other people seem very nice! The world is a reflection of ourselves. When we hate ourselves, we hate everybody else. When we love being who we are, the rest of the world seems wonderful!

   

In order to feel good, we must first develop a good self-image and recognize our own worth. It is worth remembering that time is an abstract concept, the present is all that we have, so we must enjoy whatever we are doing for its own sake and not for the end result.