A man reacts
to his wife’s pregnancy with various feelings. Protectiveness of the wife,
increased pride in the marriage, pride about his virility (that is one thing
men always worry about to some degree) and anticipatory enjoyment of the child.
But there can also be, way underneath, a feeling of being left out (just as
small children may feel rejected when they find their mother pregnant), which
may be expressed as grumpiness towards wife and wanting to spend more evenings
with friends.
These
reactions are certainly no help to the wife, who craves for extra support at
this unfamiliar (if it is the first pregnancy) stage of her life. But why does
a husband react so? Somehow, a woman’s pregnancy and postpartum (after delivery)
depression and anxiety are widely recognized, but the postpartum problems her
husband may encounter are not.
The husband
is apt to feel particularly left out during the hospital period, more so with
his first baby. He looks after his wife during her pregnancy. He helps to get
her safely to the hospital where there are dozens of people to take care of
her. Then he is really alone, sitting in the waiting room worrying about his
wife and the baby. When he goes to see them, the hospital certainly does not
make him feel the head of the family here, everyone seems to be totally engrossed
in the mother and the baby!
Nevertheless,
he can remind himself that his feelings are probably not nearly so churned up
as his wife’s, especially after coming home. She has been through an intense physiological
change. If it is her first baby, she cannot help feeling anxious as well. The
baby would make great demands on her strength and spirit, more so in the first
few months.
What all
this adds up to is that most women need a great deal of support and comfort
from their husbands at this time. To be able to give a lot to the baby, they
must receive more than usual. Partly it is the need of the father’s
participation in the care of the baby and in the housework. Even more is the
emotional support, patience, understanding, appreciation and affection. The
father’s job may be complicated by the fact that if his wife is tired and
upset, she will not have the spirit to be appreciative of his efforts. In fact,
she may even be complaining and nagging. But if he realises how much she needs
his help and love, it will encourage him to give it anyway.
Wives must
welcome and encourage their husbands to cuddle and feed and talk to their baby,
because there are some husbands who may not choose to do so. This is not always
easy. Rekha, on becoming mother for the first time admits, “I felt I was the
only one who could satisfy my son and that anyone else would do it less
perfectly. But my husband wanted to be involved and I had to accept that he
could only learn if I let him get hands-on experience. I also had to realize it
was okay for my husband to do things his own way with our son, even if that
meant they spent the whole evening playing with toys when I would have
preferred that they go for a stroll in the park.”
The father
and the mother nurture their children in similar ways, but they differ
significantly in how they speak to them and play games. Their differences complement
each another, so it is important that both parents be involved.
Men,
especially the husbands of the working women, have been participating
increasingly in all the aspects of home and childcare. There is no reason why
father should not be able to do their jobs as well as mother and contribute
equally in the child’s development. But the benefit is lost if this work is
done as a favour, since that implies that it is really not their work but just
an unusual degree of generosity on their part. The work should be done in the
spirit of an equal partnership.
Some fathers
who are not used to the idea of participating in baby care say, “I will wait
until the child is a little older.” But valuable time is lost that way. While
the father is waiting, the mother becomes an expert. Then it is harder for the
father to achieve an equal status as parent later. If your husband is reluctant
to play with the baby, it may be because he does not know how, and does not
want to admit it. Do not just hand him the bay – hand him the baby and the
baby’s favourite toy.
Neera’s
husband Vijay spoke only half in jest the time he said, “I hear your favourite
person calling!” New fathers have been known to feel jealous and excluded by
the intense emotional bond new mothers share with their babies. In such a case,
you must assure your husband, that yes, you have a unique bond of love with
your baby, but it is totally different from the love you feel for him. Children
grow up. Husbands and wives must recognize that they still have and would
continue having the need for each other.
Take out
time for each other. Even if it is just two hours. Have dinner alone once a
week. Establish the fact that the most important couple in the family is the
mother and the father.
We all need
time for ourselves when we can relax, read, exercise or pursue some other
favourite hobby. Those private moments often vanish as you and your husband
work overtime to adjust yourselves to your baby’s needs.
When Deepak
complained that he missed his weekly office Carrom game, his wife Sheila recognized
his need to unwind with his friends. At the same time, she dreaded spending the
additional hours by herself after she had been alone with the baby all day. She
and Deepak worked out a compromise that gave both of them some respite from
parenting. Now Deepak goes for his weekly Carrom game and Sheila calls over one
of her friends to spend the evening with her and the baby. In exchange Sheila takes
one evening off from babysitting and goes off for shopping, meeting friends
while Deepak babysits.
Both the
parents need to have some room in their schedule when they do not have to do
anything for anyone.
Then there
are fathers who feel they are pitching in a lot. Whereas the mothers feel they
are doing nothing. In such cases it is wiser to be strategic rather than self-righteous.
You must let your husband know that you appreciate his contribution a great
deal but you need him to do more.
I think that
a father, even if the mother is staying at home, will do a whole lot of good to
his baby, his wife and himself, if he takes on part of the management of the
baby and also participate in the housework, when he gets home from work and on
weekends. As the mother’s patience is generally worn thin by the end of the
day. (The father’s would too if he alone had been looking after the baby all
day!)
When a
father does his share as a matter of course when at home, it does much more
than simply lighten his wife’s workload and give her companionship in the work
that she had to do alone all day. It shows that he believes this work is crucial
for the welfare of the family, that it calls for judgment and skill, and that
it is his responsibility as much as it is hers when he is at home. This is what
sons and daughters need to see in action if they are to grow up without sexist
attitudes.
