Religion And Spirituality

I thought I was one of the very few in my age group to be interested in religion and spirituality. I attributed it to my upbringing. Then came a surprise element in the form of a very glamorous wife of a friend – she called up specially to appreciate one of my articles, saying that she was in regular touch with many astrologers and gurus, etc. Then walked in a young designer, who talked in terms of soul, destiny and of course questioned me about my meditational habits! In our circle of friends I find doctors talking of pranic healing. Our quarterly trips have become discussion forums on the supreme power, the vedic way of life, mythology and yoga. In kitty parties and dinners, people are talking about topics once reserved for satsangs. In fact, if you haven’t tried meditation yet – you’re in the minority. Religion and spirituality have gone mainstream.

As we practise yoga, take up tai chi, and energise our chakras, we still are not satisfied. The big spiritual questions -- the ‘why’ questions -- have not gone away. Why do bad things happen to good people? Why does God take away a loved one so young? What is the meaning of our existence? These questions haunt us. When we go through a crisis, an illness or the death of a close one, these questions loom larger and the need to answer them is felt stronger. For this -- and more -- people are returning to religion and spirituality. Sometimes when people put the religion down, it's the dogma that they rebel against. But at their core, the religious traditions are where our impulses, our need for something bigger, have been satisfied.

Religion and spirituality have been the most common coping mechanisms for many, as science and medicine fail to live up to their expectations. People are now seeing the limits of medical care. People do get sick, they do die, and sometimes there is nothing medicine can do about it. When you feel you’re fighting these battles alone, that’s when you feel great stress. But if you are part of a faith or tradition, you feel that you’re not alone. You begin to feel that God will use this crisis to create some good -- that you can turn this crisis into something good.

There was a young boy who got HIV from a blood transfusion and died of AIDS. His parents kept asking, ‘How could God allow this?’ There was no answer. Ultimately they found their own way to cope by making a commitment to helping children who were ill. There are many such stories around us. Doing good to others is the root of religion and spirituality.

The Mind Body Connection

We are all acquainted with the heart pounding, teeth gnashing fight or flight reaction to life’s real or imaginary terrors. The adrenaline rush that readied our pre-historic ancestors for battle when they were physically threatened can also be called into play by any major or minor jet-age hassle – a confrontation with the mother-in-law at home or with the boss in the office, bereavement in the family, divorce, etc. The wear and tear these stress reactions have on the body can lead to ulcers and high blood pressure or bring on attacks of asthma or irritable bowel syndrome.

Research shows that these natural reactions can also depress the immune system (the disease fighting system of our body) making us susceptible to all sorts of infections. “Our grandmothers knew all along that our minds and our bodies were connected, even if the scientific community didn’t. We’ve simply provided irrefutable data showing that it’s true,” says David Felten, neurobiologist, University of Rochester. That is why stress related ailments typically occur after, not during, the worst of the stressful situations. Colds, bad back, skin problems, headaches, etc. are surprisingly also stress related! Mental attitude, emotional states, even personality traits can have striking impacts on physical health.

Doctors have always known that the mind has a powerful influence on the body. Just about every one of them has a favourite story of a sick patient who gets well against all medical odds. One of the strangest ones on the record is the case of Mr. X who was terminally ill with cancer. On hearing about a new drug, Krebiozen, Mr. X begged his doctor to try it on him. It was an expensive drug and very difficult to obtain, the doctor resisted at first but finally decided that a single-injection could do his dying patient no harm.  Mr. X responded dramatically. Within two days, he was up, dressed and strolling in the hospital corridors chatting with his fellow patients. What’s more, the tumours that had riddled his body miraculously shrunk. Ten days later he went home, to all appearances completely cured. A few months later, as reports of the ineffectiveness of Krebiozen started coming in the newspapers, Mr. X checked back into the hospital on the brink of death. This time his doctor offered him a new improved form of Krebiozen but actually administered a harmless solution. The cancer symptoms again vanished, and Mr. X went home. Eventually, the final medical verdict on the Krebiozen hit the headlines. It was declared completely worthless against cancer. Mr. X returned to the hospital and died there. “His faith was gone, his last hope vanished,” his doctor concluded in his report.

Drs. Kaneko and Takaishi of the Osaka University Medical School use hypnosis in connection with psychotherapy to treat a wide variety of skin problems, from acne, oral herpes (cold sores) to rashes and warts. This is possible because close links with the nervous system makes the skin highly sensitive to emotions. You must have noticed young brides-to-be getting acne just a day before wedding. I always used to break into a rash before any exam. Resistance to hypnosis and other methods of mind cure runs high, but nonetheless a subtle shift in attitudes has taken place among both the doctors and the patients, who are now willing at least to accommodate psychological factors in treating serious diseases.

Meditation and yoga have been used for a number of years to cure chronic problems. The idea behind these relaxation techniques is the control of the emotional reaction to stress. The stress-related ailments may be precipitated by sudden traumatic experiences or may be the result of a gradual build up of tension due to everyday problems and difficulties, determined largely by the person’s attitudes and personality make up.

So while taking care of our physical fitness, it would be worth our while to evaluate and modify (if need be) our attitudes. We must avoid becoming a perfectionist and avoid imposing on ourselves expectations to get greater amounts of work done in a given time. It is important to realize that greater spontaneity, productivity and effectiveness come with less anxiety and tension.

The Need For Privacy

Privacy, both in emotional and physical sense, is something every individual needs – to restore energy for dealing with the outside world, to dream, to conduct small personal rituals beyond the reach of prying or known eyes.

Although there may be differences in people’s need to be alone, the attitudes are strongly influenced by the changing demands of the outside world. Priya a 32-year-old schoolteacher says she was never concerned about privacy until she had a baby last year. Now she feels the need to plan ahead for special private time, as bearing the triple responsibility of being a wife, mother and teacher leaves her virtually no time for herself. This seems to be the most common complaint of working mothers.

Although the right to be by ourselves is an important element of personal privacy, yet it is a mistake to equate privacy with the simple fact of being alone. The condition – whether in relation to friends or family members – is much a state of mind as a physical state of being. In many ways, privacy is the positive counterpart of the unhappy experience of loneliness. Whether we perceive aloofness as enjoyable privacy or as painful loneliness depends mainly on whether we have chosen to be by ourselves or whether the solitude has been forced upon us.

Social loneliness is the absence of friends and group activities. Intimate loneliness is the absence of a permanent mate. Friends cannot substitute for an intimate companion and a mate cannot make up for the absence of friends. People who live alone suffer from both intimate loneliness and insufficient privacy as they engage in a number of activities in an effort to find, and to compensate for the absence of a spouse. Couples on the other hand, may not suffer from intimate loneliness but can suffer from insufficient privacy. Unless the man and the woman have identical needs for solitude, some negotiation is usually required in a relationship; especially when initial romantic passion diminishes and the partners begin to re-assert their separate identities.

 

The freedom to take care of intimate physical needs alone is also a basic aspect of privacy; in fact a major source of argument for mates/roommates, even husbands and wives. Tasks like shaving, putting on make up etc. also serve the purpose of providing personal time and space to think or plan. But then getting this kind of privacy is not difficult to manage.  Emotional privacy is more complicated than physical, since it concerns the door to our hearts and mind rather than our bedrooms and bathrooms.

In an intimate relationship, conflicts over emotional privacy can arise even when either partner is extremely secretive or extremely open. Just as one sees many different attitudes towards physical privacy, there can be many different styles of emotional expressions.

Piyush and Vishakha who married in their late 30’s are a perfect example of a husband and wife having different definitions of emotional privacy. Vishakha is not a secretive person, but her way of getting over a problem is to think about it a great deal privately before she looks for anyone else’s opinion. Piyush, in contrast is apt to discuss a dozen alternatives with his friends and his wife before he seriously considers a particular solution. “I was unhappy at work and thought seriously of finding a new job for several months before I brought it up with Piyush,” Vishakha says. “By the time I asked him what he thought, I already had other possibilities in mind though I never would have made a final decision without consulting him. But he was very upset that I had been worrying about it and had not talked to him right away.”

Piyush on the other hand, would upset Vishakha by venting his feelings even when they did not reflect any serious dissatisfaction with his life but only expressed a passing moment. Couples like these have to work hard to find a middle ground between them. The inability to work out a mode of shared privacy is a source of stress for many couples, because they may begin to feel that they can only recharge their energies outside a relationship. The desire for privacy, on either a conscious or an unconscious level is one important reason for marital infidelity and even divorce.

Being alone together or shared privacy is a concept that is essential to any relationship. This quality in friends or couples enables them to share the same physical space without intruding on each other’s privacy. According to me, it is the highest expression of compatibility between two people or a man and a woman and the key to a long and successful married life or friendship.

But how to snatch moments of personal privacy from amidst the vast sea of routine?  Use early morning or late night hours for any private activity that clears your head and recharges your energy. These are ideal times for exercise, meditation or simple thinking about the day that is beginning or ending. If you have children, entrust the help of anyone you trust – mother, mother-in-law, sister or sister-in-law or even your best friend – to free you for occasional evenings or weekends by yourself. It takes thorough planning with understanding and involvement of those one loves the most, to satisfy one’s need for privacy.

The Child Within Us

“In every real man a child is hidden that wants to play,” said Friedrich Nietzsche, a bright eyed, four year old adventurer, aching for some attention and love. The question is not if we harbour a child-like side within us but whether we have learned to live with it in the best possible way or not. Perhaps, because we have been so determined to prove our independence, to be out there – working and travelling on our own, we have ignored the child within us. Perhaps, all too aware of our childish ways, we have tried to bury that side – because it seemed to be the adult thing to do. Or maybe we are just repeating the past, still treating the child in us the way we were treated – with impatience and anger.

Someone else gets the job that we wanted; we do not get invited to the party that we were looking forward to; we feel rejected and it hurts. Right then, when things are not going on too well, we need to stop and talk to the hurt child within us. If we do not, that child is going to feel abandoned and make him/herself heard – by going on an eating or spending binge, throw a tantrum, get noticed – and life will get from bad to worse. The inner child can also make him/herself heard in ways that affect our relationships with people important to us. S/he can quit a job in a rage, walk out of a marriage because of a few rough months, and wreck a twenty-year-old friendship.

Many times the reason is, that the child in us needs the kind of total acceptance and attention that we needed as babies – even though our behaviour may be totally unreasonable. Whatever the reason, the inner child now needs to hear and feel that we understand his/her past feelings. By recognizing this, some of the anger and pain will seep out and the sense of deprivation will begin to cease. For many of us, it may be a study in the art of parenting, even if we are not parents ourselves.

Try talking to yourself and you will learn that you can take good care of your inner child yourself. There is nothing wrong with grieving and weeping. For once, ignore the very ‘adult’ behaviour. If you are having trouble talking to yourself, a stuffed toy, or a pillow will work wonders! It is an exercise worth doing. It gives us the opportunity, at any age, to move on, to start again when we want, to step out from the fog of anger and gloom, and begin to take pleasure in the energy, humour and spontaneity we so hastily buried as we rushed to put childhood behind us. As G.K. Chesterton put it very aptly, “Happy is he who still loves something he loved in the nursery.  He has not been broken in two by time; he is not two men, but one, and he has saved not only his soul but his life.” 

Learn To Say NO!

Rina had bought a lovely dress to wear on her son’s birthday, but when she tried it on at home, she found several flaws in the material. The next day she reluctantly returned to the shop with her complaint. The haughty shop assistant refused to entertain her, maintaining that there were no flaws in the fabric. “It was spun that way!” Rina left the shop feeling very sheepish, still carrying what she felt to be a flawed dress.

Anil was looking forward to a quiet romantic weekend with his wife, while the children were away on a school excursion. His mother rang to suggest they spend the weekend with her. Unable to say that he and his wife wanted to be on their own, he started telling her lies…contradicting himself, eventually ending in a blazing row!

Do you not come away from such situations feeling utterly miserable and dissatisfied? The majority of us know, at different times in our lives (if not most of the time) that we could have handled the situation better. Most of us behave passively or aggressively in a difficult situation. In neither instance are we communicating clearly. By being passive we are not clear about what we really think and want. By being aggressive we are often over-reacting and probably making things even worse. Is there a better way?

Being assertive is what might be called the ‘middle way’. By following this way, you not only learn to manage your anxiety and fears in difficult situations, gain self-confidence, but also learn how to say NO! Being assertive is not about getting things done your own way all the time, but is about expressing yourself clearly so that others know what you feel and what you want.

Rina should not have let the shop assistant make her feel sheepish, nor she should have been rude. She should have remembered, that as a customer she had certain rights. If the assistant was not helpful, she should have asked to see the manager. Even then, if she had to accept that the dress was not faulty, she would at least have felt that she had done her best, and also that she was in control of the situation.

Anil should have gently explained to his mother, that this was the first weekend over a year that he and his wife could be alone together, and it was important for them. He should have said that he hoped his mother did not feel hurt; he really wanted to spend a weekend with her but not ‘that’ weekend.

Most of us fail to be assertive because we do not acknowledge that as equal human beings, we have certain rights.

·        The right to be treated with respect as an intelligent, capable and equal human being, by our nearest and dearest, as well as the third persons (like the shop assistant).

·        The right to change our mind.

·        The right to ask for what we want.

·        The right to express our opinion and values.

·        The right to express our feelings, from love to anger.

·        The right to make mistakes.

Accepting the right to state our own needs is especially hard for women, brought up since infancy to be sweet and kind, and to put others first. Even today, little girls are rarely encouraged to be independent and adventurous, as their brothers are. They are brought up to put everybody’s needs before their own, always be available to soothe the troubled brow, hear the sob-story, cook for five extra people and so on! It is a psychosocial legacy that the girls inherit from their mothers, grandmothers….

When we are in such a compassion trap, we are likely to become so frustrated or tired that we hurt people more. We may let our resentment build up to an enormous outburst, apparently quite out of proportion of the situation, or cut ourselves off emotionally from a partner or a close friend without any explanation.

The only way to pull out yourself from this trap is by accepting your rights (mentioned earlier), setting the limits and having the confidence to say NO.

In order to be assertive, first you must learn to be specific. That is, to say exactly what you want and what you feel. Too often, especially with people close to us, we expect them to read our minds. For instance, when we arrive home exhausted, we slump into a chair and expect a cup of tea from our partner/spouse. The right thing to do is, to say to our partner, “I am feeling really tired, and would love to have a cup of tea.” Resentment builds up easily if you expect mind reading from everyone.

Once you have learned to be specific, you must learn to ‘stick to the point’ and not be deflected by the other person refusing or ignoring your request. People often argue through manipulation. For example, if you tell a plumber clearly that he has not done the job to your satisfaction, and so, you would want him to re-do it without extra payment, he may say something completely irrelevant, such as “My wife is ill,” or “I have to repair the roof of my own house.” You must learn to repeat your request (not necessarily using the same words) until he accepts it – just remember, when the other person says something irrelevant, they are trying to hook you off the subject.

In the shops for instance, the salesmen/girls are often trained in techniques of fobbing off customers to avoid paying refunds. So when you go to a shop for a refund on faulty goods and the salesman says, “We have not had a complaint about that iron before,” you say, “You may not have, but I am complaining because it is faulty and I would like a refund please.” Always remember your rights!

Saying NO is actually a skill, learned through practice. Most of us beat around the bush, rather than say that one small word. This is linked to our feeling of not wanting to hurt anyone. We want to be liked. We feel it is rude and selfish, even aggressive, to say NO. Yet it is actually far kinder to be straight forward about refusing, than to say YES in so many words and let the other person down later. So when a friend asks you out, and you are tired but cannot say NO, it is likely to irritate her/him more when, at the last minute, you come up with some feeble excuse such as, “I forgot that I had to do some work this evening.”

There is no need to make excessive apologies or excuses when you say NO. If you need time before accepting or refusing, always ask for more information or time to think it over. Also, when you refuse a request, acknowledge to the other person how you feel. So when Anil says to his mother that he cannot spend the weekend with her, he should say, “I feel unhappy saying this, but…”

Expressing feelings, especially strong emotions like anger, is crucial to being assertive. Most of us are afraid of strong feelings, especially anger. We are afraid that if we show this ugly side of ourselves, people will stop liking or loving us. After all, we all want to be popular, don’t we?

So we suppress our emotions, turning them inwards and often becoming depressed through this. Or emotions become transformed into physical ailments such as feeling sick or having diarrhoea. Women learn to cry when they actually want to rage.

It is important to acknowledge your own feelings and to express them – either by telling someone, “I feel very angry about what you have said” (which is very different from losing your temper or verbal abuse) or, when necessary, through the release of tears or shouting (preferably alone!)

Expressing your feelings is one of the most difficult tasks to learn, so do it slowly, practise at home or with a friend. Do not tackle the most difficult situation until you feel more confident. Deal with the less problematic things first, like the difficult shop assistant.

So when you need to stand up for yourself, work out exactly what you want to say. Rehearse saying it. If in doubt, write it down. Do not allow the issue to be confused – stick to the point. Say what you really want and not what you think others want to hear. Do not be afraid to say NO. Remember, it is your right to stand up for what you want (do not let anyone tell you otherwise) and it is great when you get it.

Learning to be assertive is not just a matter of dealing with shop assistants or tradespeople, it can truly be a way of improving your mental and emotional health, by building up your self-confidence and self-esteem. People who have learnt to say NO, frequently talk about how much more in control they feel of their lives and of improved relationships at home and at work!

My book on Bhagwadgita

The idea to obtain liberation is the main theme of Gita, advocating three spiritual paths towards it, namely Karma Yoga, Jnana Yoga and Bhakti Yoga.

 

The battle of Kurukshetra (field of work or material action) is fought between two opposing forces: discriminative intelligence (buddhi) and the sense-conscious mind (manas), on a daily basis within us. It is fought at three different levels: moral, psychological and spiritual.

The material and moral struggle is between good and evil, right and wrong action on the sensory level. The psychological war is between the material tendencies of mind pulling the life and consciousness outward towards matter and the discriminative tendencies of intelligence drawing the life and consciousness inward towards the soul. The spiritual battle is fought to overcome the lower states of consciousness and dissolve all duality and sense of separation from God.

The material man will know inner peace and happiness only if he sides with goodness and wins the struggle between the good and evil inclinations that guide his actions on the external bodily field of action. The spiritual aspirant will know inner peace and happiness once he wins the psychological war defeating the tendencies of mental restlessness and sense attractions. The yogi, who seeks the ultimate goal of Self-realisation and liberation, will know inner peace and happiness on winning the spiritual battle against the magnetic attraction of the lower ego nature of body consciousness.

The impulsive mental and sense tendencies (Kauravas), and the self-disciplined offspring (Pandavas) of the soul’s discrimination (Pandu) assemble on the bodily field (Kurukshetra) of sensory, psychological and spiritual battle every day. Bhagwadgita suggests, through Sri Krishna (soul), that we should indulge in a daily (at the end of the day) honest introspection (Sanjay), to reveal to our blind mind (Dhritarashtra) which force, good or evil, won the battle that day.

comparative study

Why do people compare themselves with others? Why can’t they look at themselves and be happy/grateful for what they have, instead of peeping into others’ lives. Why don’t they realise that what they see is what the other wants them to see – it is all so superficial, it’s not the truth. Doing this, such people destroy their own lives as well as lives of those around them. This is a mental aberration, a disease – don’t live and don’t let others live either! But unfortunately, most of the people seem to be like this - its almost like an epidemic! It's seen in families, offices, businesses and of course politics...